Rantings of a Defensive Mom

One of my biggest pet peeves is to see moms defend their heathen children and say, "but my baby wouldn't do that!" I'm sure deep down that mom knows good and well that her baby DID do that. However, much of that logic flies out the window once you have your own children... If you have children, I'm sure you can relate to wanting your child to be perfect (knowing that's not going to happen). So, last week I received a note home from Carter's school:

Carter is having extreme difficulties following directions. He is quite adept at ignoring anything he does not want to do. Please advise of strategies that may work at home if this is an issue there.
Thanks,
Teacher

I love the use of that word "extreme" and how the use of the word "adept" makes him sound conniving and scheming. However, I believe on almost every (if not every single) sheet sent home prior to this, they always select that he had a "great" day - the highest rating for the day. This day's sheet was the first time I remember seeing "pretty good."

I have two very distinct schools of thought:
1. Carter needs to listen and obey his teachers. Period. He should know how to act in class and should not be disruptive or ignore his teachers' commands. I need to employ more skills learned from Dr. Dobson's The Strong Willed Child in order to make him obey. (When he prays, he always asks Jesus to help him obey Mommy and Daddy and to be sweet - that breaks my heart!)

2. He's a boy! He just turned 3 years old... He is ALL boy for sure, and boys do not mature at the same rate girls do. We think he's still very sweet and very smart, even if he doesn't like to obey all the time. He needs to know the "why" of doing things before he will actually do them - he's not a "fall in line" kind of child. I'm sure it's very hard for a 3-year-old boy to sit still in a class when he has ants in his pants and needs to be active. Also, with strong-willed children, it seems like every strategy sounds good in theory, but in practice doesn't always work. Reverse psychology has the opposite effect on Carter ("Yes, I want you to throw away my toys." "No, I don't want to play." You get the picture).

I formed a pretty quick response and emailed it before I had time to re-read it (very unlike me).

Hi Teacher,

What sorts of things is Carter getting in trouble for? As you probably know, he is the very definition of strong-willed. He has been that way since day 1 in the hospital - he picked up his head and turned around, screamed and let us know he didn't like something. There's not much I can do about that, since it's the way God made him, but I have read the Strong-Willed Child by James Dobson (twice) and I try to employ some of those measures. Sometimes a firm grasp on the arm or shoulder, or pinch on the bottom gets him focused and he will do what he's supposed to.

I've also been doing some research on how boys learn differently than girls, and boys are falling behind girls in school these days because of how they are expected to sit and be still at an early age and that's not possible for some boys. I'm even thinking of home-schooling for the first couple of years of school... We think Carter's very smart, but he's very much ALL boy (although he's really sweet too sometimes!).

One other thing I've noticed is that he's very emotional at times, and I have to watch my attitude because if I get too stern with him, he shuts down and doesn't react the way I want him to. Very, very silly humor helps a lot... He listens very well in soccer class because he's kept active, and the soccer coach is very silly - I try to remember that sometimes. I'm also taking a parenting class on Wednesday nights at our church, and they offer some of the same methods - humor, diversions, etc.

I hope some of this helps. Let me know if there is anything more specific I can help with.

Melissa

Please, PLEASE offer any advice you have for me. Which school of thought is right, #1 or #2, or somewhere in between? What would you do if you were me? Feel free to email me or leave a comment...